Me, Myself, and I

I am here at the cancer center receiving my fifth chemotherapy treatment. This time I decided to come alone. Many, many friends volunteered to come with me. Ken, of course, wanted to come. No, I told them. I wanted to be here alone. I didn't want to fill the space with distracting talk. I didn't want to share the cold, sterile walls of the infusion room. I wanted some me time.

After this one, I have eleven more chemo treatments. I will have X-rays and bone scans and more tests the rest of my life. I will have more surgeries. This is a given. This is a life once cancer enters it. Even without cancer ever entering the picture, I still have more hardships and trials in my future. We all do. It is time to deal with my codependency issues and tap into my inner warrior. I need to know that if I need to, I can do it alone, and believe me, I know that because of my awesome support team, I never have to do it alone.

As a mother, I often have to send my kids into battle, "toughing them up" as we sometimes say. I have dropped my kid off at summer sleep away camp, knowing full well he hated being away from home and his own private bathroom. I have listened to my boys play badly in violin concerts, watched tears fall from their eyes onto their violins, felt their humiliation and regret for not preparing adequately enough for the performance. I have seen my son strike out at a tournament baseball game. I have seem them not get a call back after auditions, after painfully singing solo in front of strangers. Just this past September, I had to send my oldest son to a new school. I watched him with his new clothes and backpack board a school bus that was taking him to a new experience, full of new faces, locker rooms, and long bus rides. This family...we know how to do hard.

My mom must have said to me a million times since my diagnosis , "I would sure do this for you if I could." I know you would, mom. I know because you love me and that's how people feel about the ones they love, but mom, I have to hold the bat myself. I have to be the one at home plate, but don't worry. I have been watching you. I have seen you get through tough times- most notably the death of Derek. I watched you plow through the pain with grace and courage. My mom is one steel magnolia.

And now, my kids are watching me.