Chemo Eve

I think the day before chemo is really almost as bad as the treatment itself. The impending suckiness of the treatment just ruins anything good in the day. It is all I can think about. Chemo Eve gives me an instant case of Tourette's. I cuss like a sailor, taking on the most sour mood. Nobody takes it personally. They count the days left in this cancer prison just like I do. I know I will live through this, yet I wonder what the cost will be to my spirit, my relationships and my family.

Today's top bad side effect of this cancer crap...apathy. As in- frankly, my dear, I just don't... care. This is exceptionally sad in my case, as I have always been proud of my advocacy. The pre-cancer Anna expended so much energy on her kids, her career, her social and political causes. That old Anna would already be researching summer programs for her kids. She would be finishing her dissertation, running for school board, drilling her son on SAT vocabulary and planting her flower garden. I am a shell of that woman these days. On my lowest days, it takes all I have to get out of bed. My kids do their own laundry, make their own meals, answer their own homework questions. I go days without answering emails and texts, grateful for people that care when I so often don't. On those days immediately after treatment, I plead to just be left alone in my dark room. It matters little to me that there is no milk or clean towels. Nothing matters.

In the beginning, I was sure I would care. I sometimes see these super polished ladies in the cancer center. They have on full makeup, dressed in their best. Their bright red lipstick outlines a super smile. I was going to be *that* woman, and yet, here I sit. I am still in the same yoga pants and fitted tshirt I wore yesterday, an outfit I purchased ironically so I could actually practice yoga and get well. Yesterday, I ate three ice cream sandwiches and a handful of potato chips. This from the girl that was going to juice her way to health. I mostly forgot how to care. Almost.

Right now I am going to find just enough energy to take a shower and put on real clothes. I have a meeting on campus this afternoon. I had originally thought I might try to shop this morning before the meeting. My kids have outgrown most of their dress clothes. Caleb has no good belts or dress shoes. I hear other mothers chatter about new Easter dresses and the like. I want to care about that, too. I want us to have new Easter outfits. Right now, I think I might have it in me to shop... as long as it is an all-in-one store with a cart...maybe Target or Marshalls. I do, however, know what is coming. I know I have chemo tomorrow. I know Sunday that I will be back in my apathy cave. Keep praying for us, folks. Pray that on Sunday, I care enough to get out of bed. Pray that I care enough to make my kids shower and put on new clothes that fit. Oh Chemo Eve...I really hate you.