Why? That is the question.

The million dollar question is why? Why me? Why at 38 years old? The inner scientist in me needs to know. If something caused my cancer that I can't control, then so be it. If something caused my cancer that I can control, I want to know.

In an effort to answer the question, I agreed to a genetic test. I just got the results. My report reads, "The personal history of cancer made the patient (me) a candidate for genetic testing for hereditary breast and ovarian cancer syndrome (caused by mutations in the BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes). This testing showed NO MUTATION DETECTED by comprehensive gene sequencing of BRAC1 and BRAC2. Thus, the cancer diagnosis was most likely NOT related to a mutation in one of the genes."

This is good news for my relatives. I celebrate this news and rejoice. My mom, aunts, cousins, and future granddaughters probably don't have the genetic mutations in the breast cancer genes either. Yay! Fantastic. It means I and my kin are no more at risk for ovarian cancer than any other average woman...which is 2% in her lifetime. It means my relatives probably won't follow in my footsteps and get breast cancer.

While this is great news, I still feel unsettled. The bottom line is that if my cancer wasn't in the genes then non-hereditary factors caused my breast cancer. Hmmm. What? Birth control pills? Did I not breastfeed long enough? I should have exercised more. I ate too much meat/ junk food/ milk/soy. I drank too much wine. I worry too much and the stress caused it. The big question is do I now make radical changes in my life to keep these environmental factors from causing my cancer to resurface again? Probably. I mean I do intend to eat better, exercise more, drink less, but hell, we all intend to do these things with or without the cancer history. The thing is though that I should probably just concentrate on living right now. I should probably not blame my pre-cancer self for anything. I am letting that pizza-eating, wine-drinking, gave-her-kids-a-bottle woman off the hook. I can guarantee that I made bad choices. I can guarantee that I coulda/shoulda/woulda done things better, but no matter how much soul-searching I do, the fact remains that one day, I will die. There aren't choices that are going to prevent that.

However, I am not dying today! Today, I am going to do some yoga and I'm not going to stress about it. I just wanted to blog the news for my family. One thing I have relished through this process is information. I have scoured the internet for other people's stories and it is only fair that I provide mine. If we keep communicating, we can not only learn more about the causes and effects of breast cancer, we can overcome it. That way, even though we all will someday die, we won't have to die from breast cancer. We can use that damn pink ribbon for another cause.