Well, I have had my exchange surgery and the new
"girls" are in place and looking good. My sweet plastic surgeon put
nice silicone implants where air mattress plastic once was. I won't have
nipples, but I will have some kickass tattoos over my mastectomy scars. The
tattoos are still being researched. Maybe I'll just have kickass mastectomy
scars on perfect round mounds. I finally, finally feel happy and healthy. I feel like this breast cancer drama is behind
me! I just have one more thing to get off my chest (and yes, that is literally,
I'm afraid).
I have had a double mastectomy, chemo, radiation and several
surgeries. The last course of my treatment involves a hormone suppressing drug,
Tamoxifen. I took said drug from September until March. As you may or may not recall, the cancer found in my boob was fed by estrogen. Tamoxifen stops estrogen. As it turns out, it also stops Anna. I told people (my
husband, my mom, my oncologist) that I stopped taking it recently to prep for
my implant surgery. Not true, really. I stopped because I was going crazy. I
was bloated and gaining weight and felt achy all the darn time. I stopped
because I was paranoid and my bones hurt and my joints hurt and I was googling
all the ways that cancer can come back. Guess what? As soon as I stopped, I got
myself back. Granted it took a couple of months. Right around my exchange new boob
surgery to be exact (May 15th), but I got myself back, the one I remember, the
Anna that wasn't scared or bloated or tired or sick. So what's a girl to do?
I refilled that damn Tamoxifen prescription. Isn't that what
a person does that exhausts all possibilities to live her life? Yet I haven't
swallowed a pill yet. I put this out there because I am conflicted. I have a
feeling that I'll start swallowing the pills again. Maybe, however, someone has
been at this crossroads before me. Maybe someone has some insight. I have read
the research. It doesn't help. I don't want advice from doctors, believe it or
not. I want advice from someone that has walked this path.
I must quote Huey Lewis here..."I want a new drug, one
that won't make me sick." Do I swallow the pill and risk my quality of
life OR do I not swallow the pill and risk my quantity of life? A true dilemma as
I want both quantity and quality.
